Buenas tardes mi gente chimosa, jejeje – glad you’ve made it back here again. I love this creative space of mine, and I love that you’re enjoying it tambien! I really wanted to write yesterday, pero I was way too tired <– for real. Mis chamacos finally fell asleep, because I know you know how that goes during Spring time. The sun is still out doing it’s thing, so los chamacos think they should be too! Ugh. I need to invest in blackout curtains for their bedrooms. De todos modos, mi casa is quiet, calm and still – I love this feeling at the end of the day. What would have made this feeling even better, is if I had gone to get a blueberry muffin from Tim Horton’s. Just saying, that’s all I want right now, un pan dulce. Pero bueno, here I am with no esnack. Vamos a chismear.
Ayer was Lunes. Nope, no it wasn’t – my bad. Ayer was Martes. jajaja I’m telling you, the tiredness is extra. Martes is my favourite work day, because I have double prep AND library time. Maestros, you know what I’m saying, it’s the best. Time to catch up on marking, get ahead on planning and have some quiet story telling time during library. No te digo, lo mejor. Aparte, mi comadre brought me goodies from Target (no, we don’t have Target here – yes, this makes us all sad) and I had an amazing Therapy session after work. *no, not physio, not chiro, not massage, like reaaaaaal therapy, the “scary” one* jejeje.
Therapy?! Terapia?! Que, que?! Yes, therapy. I go to therapy. Siiii, me, mama poderosa, teacher, wife, mom, amiga – I. Go. To. Therapy. Pero, porque?! Because it’s amazing. Actually, that’s a bit inaccurate. I’ve learned that it’s amazing, para mi. I started going because I suddenly started experiencing severe anxiety attacks (which I will share at another time) about 5 months after having Mireya. Therapy has been one of MUCHOS resources and strategies I tested out in order to learn how to acknowledge that I had a lot going on, accept that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, pero there was just too much on my plate, and manage my anxiety through preventative measures and strategies to cope if need be.
This therapy session fue diferente. From the moment I entered the office, sabia que something had changed. I felt it. I believed it. Our usual catch up conversation, the how are you doings, how have you been feeling, what’s new, what happened with this, that, ya sabes. El chisme. After the 5 minutes, we sat. En silencio. For a while… … the silence was comforting. I used the time to reflect on everything I had brought into that room previously to discuss, dissect, tear apart, explain, understand, cry about, laugh about, yell about, even pray about. I had nothing else left.
Asi que, I took advantage of my time (and dinero, let’s be honest) to share happiness, accomplishments and pride. Le dije about this, this exact thing you’re reading, mi blog and how it has helped me so much, in such little time. Le dije how I’ve finally let go of trying to control what others’ ultimately choose to do, despite what I suggest and ask of them. Le dije of accepting that I have dealt with huge anxiety issues, pero I’ve learned they don’t define me. Le dije how I’ve learned to face many fears with faith and baby steps. Y le dije how orgullosa I am of myself and the progress that I have made.
Sabes lo que me dijo? “Congratulations, Julie. You deserve this and more.” Y sabes what’s more powerful than hearing esas palabras? The fact that I believed it and felt it in mi corazon. Yes, I still cried – como siempre! Te juro, I have never gone to a session and NOT cried. Pero, this time it was pure felicidad.
I walked out glowing. Mi energia was just radiating, and the sun was shining in the blue sky – enserio, it should have been a commercial o algo. Tu sabes which ones, the girl busting through the door, wind blowing in her hair, biggest smile ever – jaja pero, enserio! As if that moment couldn’t have been any better – I had a bunch of msgs from gente who read this blog telling me how much they like it and ta,ta,ta, – like demasiado. All the feels. I sat in my car with the biggest smile on my face and tears streaming down like pinche Niagara Falls. Everyone else in the parking lot probably pensando “yeah, no wonder she’s here – she needs help!” *eye roll* #EndTheStigma I’m loca, pero ni tanto! jajaja.
I felt viva. I felt whole again, pero a better version of me, with a calmness to what usually felt like chaos, and I felt poderosa. It was a magical feeling to walk into Buck or Two with, to buy feathers for some art craft I did with my class. Jajaja. Pero, es la verdad – that’s what I did before heading to our son Javi’s first t-ball game! This is my blog, acuerdate, not an actual telenovela. Perdoname for the realness, pero that’s what it is. Jajaja.
Reality should still be magical! It IS magical. Aveces, we just get fogged up with everything going on that we don’t see the magia. Pero, ahi esta, siempre. For instance, that morning – the same day of feeling like I turned into this amazing unicorn – we had a ridiculous start to our day. We woke up to both chamacos whining, crying and not cooperating to get ready to leave. Ya sabes, after a long weekend – it’s going to be a long week. Jajaja. I leave with Mireya, drop her off at Lola’s and get settled at work. Mi cell rings, mi esposo and Javi are locked out of the house.
Y ahora que? My students are about to walk into class in 3 minutos, mi esposo has to be at work for 9am, Javi still has to get to preschool, like enserio?! Pues, I can’t come, I’m already eating my oatmeal at work. I mean, it’ll get cold? jejeje, nah – I couldn’t. We had to call mi cunado (brother in law) to now sacrifice his morning of getting to work on time, to come pick up my set of keys and bring them to mi esposo. Stressful much? Pues claro!!
Pero igual, there was magia. The magic of it all was, 1. we have support – our familia is always there for us and we are blessed to have them. 2. El dia was so nice, sun was out and it was warm – I mean, it could have been worse, could have been un friaso en Febrero! Y 3. mi esposo and mi chamaco got an hour of playtime outside before starting their day. I don’t know about you, pero eso es magia.
We search and wish for more time, siempre. If you are being given more time, like mi esposo y chamaco that morning, don’t waste it. Make the most of it. I’m not saying mi esposo didn’t get frustrated and mad at first, like que ching… jaja Igual, he also didn’t let it ruin the time he was being given regardless. That was definitely not a top favourite morning in my books either, pero mira how the rest of our day turned out. Ademas, we ended our day watching Javi play his first t-ball game, in his uniform, on a real baseball field, with mi esposo as his assistant coach and Mireya playing in the sand, whatever jaja – fue magia.
La magia is there, siempre. If it gets too foggy, take the lenses off and let things unfog for a a bit. Give yourself time, mama. The things that matter most aren’t in the fog de todos modos, so let it clear out and get of your way. If you’re stuck in some thick fog, like I had been for far too long, a lot more time may be needed and extra resources may come into play. Pero y que? As long as you’re still moving forward, making progress and feeling better. Acuerdate, small victories should be celebrated too. La vida sola hay una, don’t miss it all because of some fog.
Pic from @brujatip – go follow on IG. 🙂